With another season over and a new one on the horizon, it’s time to celebrate the similar traits of the top 15 winning types of Australian Football Fan.
How many do you recognise?
Which one are you?
The Final 15 Footy Fan Categories
during the last Grand Final (to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent) no places, teams, or names are mentioned. But the questions asked were:
- What makes them a football fan?
- What type of fan would they consider themselves?
- And, how do they see other fan-types?
I’m sure you’ll recognise the many that follow – no matter what type of football code you enjoy in your part of the world.
The Legacy
They’re born into the fan club, literally as a newborn baby—hours old, where they are presented with scarves, jumpers, booties, scarves. The tradition is passed down from fathers to sons, and mothers to daughters, eventually teaching their grandchildren to be a fan for life.
The New-Found Fan
This starts at school where a visiting football professional visits the classroom to demonstrate the game’s basics. Or it’s as simple as Uncle Bob visiting for Christmas, teaching his nieces to kick the footy in the backyard, thus awakening a new fan and potential player.
This category usually fits the girlfriend—their last boyfriend may have been a rugby fan and as part of the break-up they switch codes and step into the light. Or they recently flew in from planet Mars to sit on the couch in your brother’s house as that new girlfriend who wants to impress her new boyfriend. (*breathe)
New-Found Fans are produced seasonally such as parents successfully brainwashing their children to find their love of the sport.
Immigrants blending into their new homeland find a whole new range of friends to scream alongside with—which introduces us to the…
The Sideline Screamers
Every neighbourhood has one! You can hear them as they wave their fist at the television from their couch position mimicking thousands of other screaming spectators.
And they’re louder at live games.
They’re recognised as the croaky-voiced worker suffering symptoms similar to those enduring a weekend rock concert.
The Quiet Counter (The QC’s)
This fan wears the team scarf around their neck, sporting headphones while tapping on their tablet. These are the game’s gamblers who’ll log in their bets while checking the odds for each kick, all while phoning their friend, The Historian…
The Historians
These are the statisticians who witnessed the creation of the game’s leather ball The Sherrin! They know who, what, when, where—and then some—about the game.
The Historian will tell you an individual player’s stats, and then they’ll tell you which great past players they’re reminded of. The Historians are great for leading five-hour debates on why the new rules suck out the flow of the game! (*cough-cough)
The New-Age Fan
Not to be confused with The new-found fan, the New-Age Fan is easily recognised as the ones wearing safety goggles and bright orange earplugs (similar to those seen at mine sites). They drink coconut water while nibbling on kale leaves stuffed with tofu and avocado in the stadium’s stands.
As a politically correct fan, they never raise their voice. They’re immaculately styled to capture the stadium’s lighting to create the ultimate selfie for each quarter, of every game, for the entire season, that fills their entire Instagram feed.
The Stone-Age Fan
This Australian Football fan is legendary!
They’re the impolitically correct fan who drinks hot beer while eating cold meat pies and are mates to the Sideline Screamer.
The Stone-Age Fan used to climb the trees to jump the fence to watch the game from the Yobbo’s hill. A legendary place still whispered around the hallowed halls of many stadiums that was rumoured to have been created by cricket fans who first claimed their historic stake on the hill for the entire cricket summer season—that became home all year long.
The Closet Fan
They’re the conservatively dressed, quiet achiever. They don’t talk about it at work, or to anyone because their team has never won a premiership cup since before they were born. (Huh?)
Or they fear they’ll cause World War III in their household, or office space, for daring to proclaim their love for the most hated team in the league.
The Clubhouse Fan
They’re the true heroes of the football club!! These fans attend each and every single home game and will spend all of their free time making banners for game day.
They raise funds and find new members for the club.
They’re the volunteers behind the club bar, and the cooks in the club kitchen feeding the club’s players at every event.
These fans also retweet, share, like, and repost everything the club posts on all social media platforms. As I said, these are the backbone of many clubs.
A lot of Clubhouse Fan’s started as parents of the New-Found players to the team.
The Couch Commentators (C-C’ers)
They see what the umpire never sees – but the neighbourhood hears all about it.
They have that special reclining chair with a beer fridge close by. Surrounded by pretzels, chips, dips and beer nuts, where the remote control is glued to their hand, this is their kingdom and they know better than any coach, player, or umpire. Ever.
All teams would win many more games if only the umpire heard the Couch Commentators cries!
The Backyard Barbie Bingers (The Triple BBB’s)
Their habitat is the Australian suburban backyard shed (AKA the Man Cave). Its a place where many males have been known to worship the widescreen that dominates the wall near the team flag.
It’s where the barbecue never stops and the beer is chilled in a fridge dedicated to this weekly ritual that begins Friday night through until the completion of the Sunday afternoon game.
“…the croaky-voiced worker suffering symptoms similar to those enduring a weekend rock-concert…”
The Anti-Footy Fan (AFF’s)
They huff and puff on the far end of the couch, contemplating their life expectancy on whether to tackle the Couch Commentator for the TV’s remote control. Their super-power is the ability to read a book in the centre of a stadium filled with screaming fans. Roll their eyes whenever the game is mentioned and consistently work the overtime shifts during the football finals.
The AFF’s are known to be the angry divorced partner who’d been swindled by a footy fan. Or they’re suffering some suppressed childhood issues of having been smacked face-first by a football that they (and their nose) never recovered from. Or, they just don’t like the game and they’re not ashamed to say so!
Annually, the AFF’s become a pet project of other fan-types to convert them into a New-Found Fan – but they never surrender.
There is no shame in being an Anti-Footy Fan.
The Part-time Fans (PTF’s)
The PTF’s interest in the game comes and goes like AFL players chasing end-of-season-contracts. They own a club coffee mug, scarves, and many Club t-shirts they never wear. The question as to why they’re PTF’s remains a mystery to the modern Die-Hard Fan. Perhaps the PTF lost their favourite player to the opposition? Or they’re frustrated by the new rule changes? They haven’t given up on the game or the club entirely, because they may have other interests they’re pursuing on a full-time basis.
The Pretender
This fan-type pretends they know the game, the name of players and the Club’s history—but don’t. They’re the embarrassing fan who claps at the wrong time, shouts abuse on the wins, jumps for joy at the losses, and they don’t understand the rules.
Aaaand they sing the wrong words to the team song!
Every. Single. Time.
Which brings in the….
(*drumroll)
The Die-Hard Fan
These guys live and breathe the sport and are mates with all fan-types. With the Historian they’ll swap stats during the game. Then they visit the Backyard Barbie Bingers for a feed and a post-game debriefing. They chat pre-game politics with the Stone-Agers, The Legacies, and Sideline Screamers, while having the Couch Commentators on speed dial, and they’re on top of the Clubhouse fan’s Christmas list.
For the Die-Hard Fan, their office space is a corner shrine to the Club starting with the Club calendar and magnetic Matches-Menu of the season. Their PC screensaver displays their favourite players that match the Club mousepad. It rests near the Club’s coffee mug that sits next to the Club glass resting on the Club coaster. Next to that is the Club water bottle, that carries on the ensemble to the Club backpack, containing the Club lunchbox for their club (he-he-he) sandwiches. Their smartphone has a Club cover with a ringtone proudly yodelling the Club’s song.
These are the Die-Hard Fans who’ll dye their hair and beards with face paint for game days. They get their Club tattoo’s re-inked after every Premiership win. They’ll bawl on the sidelines when they’re team loses, and are known to take out a second mortgage to watch their team play the Grand Final. They will sign-away everything for silence to their soon-to-be-ex-spouse (the beginnings of the AFF) during game-times.
To the Die-Hard Fan, the weekend football game is a religion and the AFL Premiership Cup is the holy grail.
How Does the Footy Fan Fit In At The Office?
It’s Monday morning at the office and the ritual begins with the watercooler wallow of the weekend’s events. Today the Sideline Screamer’s voice croaks alongside the Die-Hard Fan who is leading another round of cheers of their victorious team wins.
Entering the lunchroom, the Historian adds the winning team-names to the office Football Tip’s Board. Seated at one of the lunch-tables is the Pretender who can’t remember if and which team they backed. Over at the corner table is the Quiet Counter checking out the Footing Tips as they re-calculate their weekend’s wins to off-set their losses.
Nearby at the coffee machine, the Couch Commentator whines about the lack of umpire skills that led to his team’s loss. Alongside them is the Stone-Age Fan who also complains, again, about the stupid new-season rules.
It’s Monday morning at the office & the ritual begins with the watercooler wallow of the weekend’s events… (Tweet this)
By the staff lunchroom doorway, the New-Age Fan is showing off their stadium-sideline selfies while teaching the New-Found Fan on how to take the best shots in the winter sunlight.
Beside the staff fridge, The Clubhouse Fan and the Legacy Fan prepare their pitch to the boss to let them put on another morning tea to raise funds for their Club.
After putting their lunch in the fridge, the Closet Fan says nothing of their team’s win. In their cubicle, they tap on their keyboard to covertly check where their team sits on the premiership ladder. The Part-Time Fan says good morning as they limp past to their desk, sporting a case of sunburn from their rock-climbing weekend. In the next cubicle, the Backyard Barbie Binger, smelling of smoke and stale beer, cracks open an eyelid to roll a bloodshot eyeball that fails to focus. He mumbles a new-English-language phrase, pops another anti-acid, and washes it down with a gulp of some power-drink that rests among a mix of headache cure-alls.
In the far cubicle, the Anti-Footy Fan counts down the days on their cricket calendar. She’s planning her holiday with the money she’ll make for the overtime when the footy finals begin and end.
And so begins a conversation that starts with the losses and wins of the past weekend… (Tweet this)
And so begins a conversation in corridor’s that starts with the losses and wins of the past weekend. By Wednesday hope is heard for next weekend’s game, only to then discuss it all over again on Monday…
Thus is the story of the fair dinkum fan-cycle of the Aussie Footy season.
How many of the above do you recognise?
Which kind of fan-type are you?
So why the comparison?
Because I wrote a novel about a family of footy fans and the players to this iconic Australian game. Why not check it out here.
Until next time,
Enjoy.Xx
Vlogs -Part I: The first 7/14 winning footy fans & Part II : The final 8/14 Football Fans
