We all have various reasons for taking a road trip and there are plenty of roadside gurus with words of wisdom to keep you on the straight and narrow road. Well, we flipped that boring rule book, tossing it out the window, to give you 13 amazing ways to ruin your next road trip. Let’s make it a trip you’ll tell your grandchildren about—if you survive!
Buckle up, buttercup, this is gonna be good…
1. MICRO-MANAGE THE MAP
Excuse me as I polish my microscope and make space for those micro-managers. Get your pens and time clocks ready, because you’ll want to micromanage every minuscule detail of the trip.
Who said road trips were full of fun and freedom when you can plan each milli-second of your journey. Imagine the fun you can have by watching the clock as those miles tick on by, ending up exactly where you need to be, right on time!
2.TOTALLY WINGING IT
Truly embrace the spirit of adventure on your next road trip, it’s exciting not knowing where the heck you’re going.
That way you’ll be sure to not carry the right provisions, or waste precious time checking to see if you have a decent spare tyre. As for those rusty tools in the boot, you can fling them like boomerangs when you realise they don’t work when it comes to changing a flat tyre in the outback.
Just get in the car and drive. Anywhere.
Don’t bother with any pesky form of forward planning. Who needs to know how long it takes to get from point A to point B—you’ll get there when you get there. Amirite?
Sure, you may struggle to find a decent place to stay. But nothing beats living on the edge to truly ruin your road trip by not working out your fuel consumption. Flying past that last petrol station you saw hours ago, led you to make that impromptu camp on the side of the outback highway. Imagine the story you could tell your grandchildren – if you survive the wildlife.
3. NOT WATCHING THE WEATHER OR ROADS
Roads are designed to withstand climactic changes. So why bother checking weather maps or road conditions when you’ll see both through the front window anyway?!
Sure, roads in the Northern Territory, are subject to seasonal flooding, but what’s that got to do with you and the road ahead? It’ll stop when you say so.
And that monsoonal storm, where it rains like walls of water from a thing they call a cyclone… Hmph! Your car can handle it.
I’m not a weather guy – and we all know those weather gurus can never truly predict the weather. So lemme chuck a few knucklebones and polish my crystal ball to predict the weather – you can’t go wrong. Right?
4. PAMPERING TO YOUR PET’S NEEDS
Loving your pet means you’ll be enduring the never-ending pet stops, the I-ate-canned-food-smells, the snorting-snores, the floating particles of pet hair, the lack of space for their protein-rich foods, and the wardrobe necessities of leads and wire brushes that reminds you of an S&M Dominatrix wardrobe.
But that’s the least of your problems when it comes to carrying pets on your road trip.
What can ruin your road trip is when some idiot says you can’t take your pets to certain places. Just who do those National Park Rangers think they are, frowning on puppies like that? (scoffs) How can anyone hate puppies!
5. BE THAT STOOGE WITH THE TRAVEL BUDGET
Going with someone who spends money on everything from stickers that’ll fade on the bumper bar, to that hat you’ll never wear again, and other non-memorable purchases can destroy your road trip budget in seconds. Leaving you with no cash for fuel, food, and accommodation.
To not ruin your road trip’s budget get a ten-code, encrypted vault and bolt it inside your car’s boot. Only open it in case of emergencies – or until you get home. You’ll be surprised what you can create out of nothing, and how fast you’ll learn the fine art of stealing petrol!
6. FORGET THE FOOD AND WATER
Why would you want to crowd the car with food and water?
Why bother keeping a spare water container in the car boot for washing hands, or to cool down an overheated car?
Surely there are plenty of places in the outback that have facilities, like running water and pizza delivery, in the desert!
So let’s go gourmet, you organic go-getter, and fall in love with that deep-fried processed, packaged, faux-food delicacy from that rundown roadhouse.
Be daring and try that dried-out food parcel of goodness they defrosted last month, where they let it fall out of the plastic bag to get kicked around the kitchen floor, before getting dumped in last year’s cooking oil, only to let it soak up those golden lights in the bain-marie for a week!
You bet, I’m having that pimply Joe-what’s-it from that rundown diner, that allows donkeys to walk through the bar, to cook my meal. It’s all part of the journey.
7. THOSE AROMATIC FOODS IN A CONFINED SPACE
Want to ruin your road trip? Sit with someone who doesn’t know the divine bliss of food aromas within a confined space.
First, we’ll try those curries where the aroma will be sure to linger in the roof lining for a month.
But what about cracking open a tin of tuna? Be sure to spill some of the juices onto the front seat so that scent can truly fester.
Of course, it’d pair wonderfully with some eye-watering chilli and a few clumps of garlic to hang from the driver’s mirror to ward off any vampire attacks on the road. You never know.
But nothing beats a good slicing of raw onions to truly make your eyes water so you can’t see where you’re going on the road. Hey, there are a lot of health benefits to onions, you know. But it’ll be sure to clear out your sinuses in no time.
Wait! We’re not done, yet. We can’t forget those hard-shelled, organic vessels containing chicken embryos, packed full of protein. Boil them up, and toss those pieces of crusty shell around like confetti, and the aromas, mm-hmm…
8. DO SHOVE YOUR FEET INTO THE DRIVER’S FACE
Being a backseat driver gives you the license to absolutely rest your feet on the front seat. Consider that healthy dose of foot odour in the driver’s face a new version of smelling salts to keep that driver alert. You’re also doing them a favour by regularly kicking the back of the driver’s chair, too.
And forget those nay-sayers trying to ruin your road trip by telling you not to put your feet on the dashboard. So what if they say it’s dangerous? Not when you can learn a whole new awkward yoga move, you didn’t know you needed, when those airbags explode.
9. OBEYING TRESPASSING RULES IS FOR PRISSIES!
Rules ruin road trips. Especially those pesky Do Not Enter signs. The Private Property signs. Come on, every influencer knows that those places are the best for getting that perfect Instagram shot!
Why bother asking for permission when you can play the part of a squatter for a day or two in some random paddock, leave a load of rubbish, burn down a few trees, and slaughter their stock because you were hungry.
Be sure to tell that angry landowner they’ll be insta-famous as compensation, is more than enough. They should consider themselves lucky to be in your presence alone, as you’ll be putting their place on the map!
10. WEAR THE WRONG WARDROBE
Who said fashion should have some road sense?
When you can wear a satin-lined, thick woollen snowsuit in the outback summer. The bonus is all that wool will soak up your perspiration, weighing you down like a blanket. Just don’t let the fly-attracting stench of your body odour bother you, blame it on the wool. But at least you won’t get sunburnt arms and legs with that amount of coverage.
But then, be even more daring by going for a drive through the mountains wearing only a bikini. In winter. Without a heater. Challenge accepted!
But do get used to the consistent wrinkled-lived-in look when it comes to road trip clothing.
Oh, and all that space in the car is there purely for your luggage to choke up the air circulation and block all window views. Hey, you’ll never know when you’ll need a ballgown in the desert.
11. WRONG CAR FOR WRONG CONDITIONS
Cars can go anywhere. Forget putting down a second mortgage for one of those fancy four-wheel drives you wouldn’t want to get dirty. When you can do some seriously insane four-wheeled driving in the old family car.
Be sure to skip those dodgy mechanics, who’ll want to give the engine tickle before you go. I’m talking about your car, okay?
Just get in and drive, until your car won’t drive any further through that choking bulldust. Watch how it floats alongside the crocodiles when you get washed away in that river crossing. It’ll be a story you can share with your hairdresser’s receptionist, the dog groomer, the bored checkout operator at your supermarket, the…
12. MUSIC DOESN’T MATTER
Listening to frogmouth yodelling is a listening experience your ears will never forget.
How about an off-Broadway, drunken, symphonic orchestra, going full thrash metal!
Contrary to popular belief, playlists are not required for road trips. One sure way to ruin a road trip is when your travelling companion is a music hog carrying a phone full of playlists. Worse, when they screech like an opera-loving-banshee because you’re far too kind to tell them their singing just sucks!
Hey, it’s your car.
And it’s a long drive.
So there’s nothing wrong with listening to the fabulous sounds of the engine droning repeatedly. For hours on end. Where it does this magical thing of letting your mind wander so much that your eyelids will become heavy, your chin drops to your chest, and you’ll forget all about holding onto that steering wheel.
13. PICK A POOR TRAVELLING COMPANION
To ruin a road trip pick someone you can’t stand. But it must be that special someone you haven’t spoken to in years, like a sister. You’d want someone who’ll fuel the fiery energy of hatred in your belly, leaving you to constantly struggle with the temptation to boot them out of a moving car, to watch them roll across the asphalt in the rear-view mirror.
But you can’t.
Because you’re both trapped on the highway to nowhere!
Now that’d be a fun story to share…
Which is exactly what you’ll find (and more) in THE SISTER TRIP. Check it out here>>
**All still images relating to this post’s topic are via CANVA.com
Do check it out for all your graphic and social media needs.
| #Escape2HEA ~ because everyone deserves an Escape from the drama in their day!
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